new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Randomize