Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
