You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
