i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
