mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
