If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
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