Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
