where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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