allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
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