This is not my ceiling
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
I wish they made helmets for livers.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
