I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
