That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
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