YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
