Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
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