Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Randomize