stop calling my apartment porn island.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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