she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
