he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
