I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
