But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
i now understand why vodka
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
