I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Randomize
