i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
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