You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
