I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
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