I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
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