We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Drake has all the answers
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
