She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
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