So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
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