I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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