i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
God, I missed his penis.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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