he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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