Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
