it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
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