i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
