you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I lost the right to judge tonight
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
