Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
