Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
two words...techno handjob
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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