If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Randomize
