I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Randomize
