I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
