wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
