I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Randomize
