Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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