i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Randomize
