that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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