Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Randomize
