If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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