I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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