If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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