every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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