He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
