somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
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