If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
