The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
