the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
