I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
