I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
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