I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
