The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize