did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
Randomize
