I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
