I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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