The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
