My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
why do cheetos always look like penises
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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