My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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