It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
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