I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
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