Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize
