we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
