I hate all girls vehemently.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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