Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
