Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
