How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
